Daily Life Insights Pt. 2

I woke up around 9 today and had some coffee, a papaya and some tiny sweet bananas for breakfast after meditating for half an hour or so. Then I continued working for a few hourson a paper I got assigned yesterday. In between I made a lunch break and found a food stall around the corner of the hostel, where I got some fresh papaya salad. I also got a surprise wrapped in a banana leaf – I thought it would be banana, but it turned out as a kind of sweet sticky rice, perfect as a dessert. After finishing work, I finally took the time to answer a long voice message from my friend Kate, who is still serving in Dhamma Sacca in Spain.

dav
This may not be instagram-worthy but believe me, it’s delicious!

When it began cooling down, I rented a bike and started riding around the town of Ayutthaya. Immediately when I started cycling, I felt a wave of happiness flowing through my body – I didn’t ride a bike for ages and I only realized how much I really missed it when I sat on the saddle! I drove to the outskirts of the city into what seemed to be one of the Muslim neighbourhoods. People were smiling and waving as I was driving by, and so I was smiling and waving too.

dav

Houses became more and more scarce until suddenly, to my right, the view opened and I could see endless rice fields stretching out in front of me. To my left, there was the river and still some houses, and above them, the giant, red sun was setting and melting into the horizon… I laughed out loud from all the joy I was feeling, and almost started crying because that moment was so beautiful.

This comes nowhere near to how the sun actally looked, but it's the only picture I have :D
This is nowhere near to how it actually looked, but it’s the only picture I have 😀

So yeah, I’m in Thailand now and still quite can’t believe it myself.
How did this all happen? How did I end up living this life? 

✨

I had a beautiful talk with a close friend of mine yesterday, who is worried that he’s becoming “too weird” to be friends with his “old, normal friends”. He thinks he cannot talk about the things that really matter to him (mostly regarding self-development, the meaning of life and other spiritual questions) with these “normal friends”, because he’s afraid they wouldn’t understand or judge him. I know this feeling and this fear very well, and noticed that more often than not I introduce something I want to say with a phrase like “I know this maybe sounds a bit spiritual, but…” as a preemptive defense mechanism.

Many times, especially in the last months, I have asked myself if I’m “becoming weird” – and came to the conclusion that I don’t care. What I know is that I’m becoming happy, that I’m becoming myself. (And also, after all, I’ve always been weird, lol. Just not as happy.) What I know is that I feel good, that I feel alive when I talk about the things that matter the most to me, even if I’m risking to be judged by people who might not share my views or interests or who might not be interested in what I’m talking about (like my ex, duh).

My friend asked me how I can be so sure, how I can trust myself so much now – as compared to all the years before when I was suffering from endless doubt, self-loathing and hopelessness. I realized it is firstly the fact that I simply feel better – this is the ultimate reality I experience every day. And secondly, it’s the feedback I’m getting from the people around me, from strangers-to-become-acquaintances, from aqcuaintances-to-become-friends, from friends, and especially from my family.

The ten days I spent with my parents over Christmas were the most peaceful and loving days I ever experienced with them in my whole life, especially with my mother. I had written a quite personal Christmas card to her, wishing her more peace of mind and joy in her life from my very heart – and she thanked me for it almost daily afterwards. She also said I have changed so much over the past months or year, that I became so centered, so calm, so peaceful and happy.

I realized in the conversation with my friend that hearing this from my mother – that I’m okay as I am – had a huge impact on me. But that’s not where the trust in myself came from – it’s where it brought me. I believe that my mother could only accept me as I am, because I was able to accept myself as I am, and also her, as she is.

✨

There are doubts and backlashes, though, sometimes. Over New Year, I completely lost myself with alcohol and some expensive white powder and went after a guy, in spite of promising a close friend that I wouldn’t. When I got sober again, I felt alienated from myself and didn’t know who I was. I always talk about how important my friends are to me, so how was I able to betray my friend’s trust?

This experience brought me back on the ground in an instant: I may have learned a lot, I may know much more now about what’s important – but I can always make mistakes. And these mistakes happen when I’m not fully aware of what I’m doing, when I’m not feeling my body, when I’m not my true self, but when I’m following my conditionings, my cravings and my aversions.

As always, all I can do is look forward. All I can do is trying to improve myself – without beating myself up when things don’t go perfectly well, but with love and understanding for my weaknesses.

sdr

I want to write something like “I have some exciting months ahead of me”, which is true, but not specifically because I’m in Thailand. The mindblowing thing is that all my days are exciting, no matter where I am. Everything is exciting when you look at it from a certain perspective 😀

I wish you all peace and happiness and some sunshine!

Love you!

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s